| it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean |
[Feb. 5th, 2007|05:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
Who reads this, anyway? My sister? My Jenny? Yes that sounds about right. Well to my faithful audience, in case you suspect that I abandoned this journal a long time ago, I did not! For the past year I have been posting mostly private-only entries, so I can vent about all the fuckwads in my life and talk about drugs and boys and say cruel, evil shit about people without anyone ever finding out! But, you two, we are busy people. Maybe you would like to know more about whats going on in my life.
Barbara called me and asked me if I want to start working every other weekend. She told me to think about it and call her back at the end of the week. I think I am going to say yes. I could use the money. Once I start driving Desi again, I will need to pay his insurance and gas. Plus, I could really use some shopping therapy. I actually want to try shopping at a thrift store. Jenny, lets go to the church mouse when it gets warm, for spring clothes. I think that, even though I have a car, we should walk there, just like in the good old days of pastor bill, so we can have adventures and meet crazy strangers that we will never forget.
I need to clean my room. I want to, I was planning on doing that today, but I just can't bring myself to right now. Maybe after I post this.
Super Bowl Sunday was actually quite fun. I loved the commercials, especially the snickers where the two men kiss, and the one with the robot that has a dream he kills himself. We made tacos and had ice cream, and we rooted for the colts, who won. I think that next year, I will have a superbowl party. Yes, I will. |
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| it goes by fast |
[Jun. 5th, 2006|11:21 pm] |
Tonight is the last night I am 15. I truly can't believe so much has happened in a year...I've lost so much and gained what? Strength, maybe. Maturity. Insight. Wisdom. Not much...but enough to help me make better decisions during my 16th year. I remember being 8, and wanting so desparately to be 16. I thought it would be easy. I would be beautiful and smart and surrounded by friends, and somehow life would be perfect. Everything would be perfect when I was 16. I never considered that maybe I would have my heart broken, maybe I would get caught up in experimenting, maybe I would have fun less innocent than seeing movies with friends and going to dances. I never thought maybe I wouldn't be beautiful and perfect and smart. I never thought I would make bad decisions, and be taunted by regret. I never thought that the people I trusted could hurt me. I didn't think life was this complicated. But it is. It's so complicated. It's so hard. And I know that the problems I face now will seem miniscule in another 16 years, but they are still my problems and they still make me cry and hurt and wish I was any other age. I remember being 8. Jessie would go to school dances, and she would look beautiful and I was in awe of her 12-year-old independance. I would stay home and cry while she was gone and think "Why does it have to go by so slow? Why can't I be that age now?". And I would give anything to be able to go back in time and comfort my 8-year-old self, and tell myself to appreciate my childhood, and tell myself that it isn't all that it's cracked up to be, and tell myself that it will be fun but I'm not ready for that kind of fun, and tell myself that by the time my 16th birthday is 30 minutes away, I will be so thankful for 9 and 10 and 11 and 12 and 13. Because I needed those years. And I would tell myself, "Nothing can prepare you. You'll never really feel ready for any of it. You feel ready now...but you never will be." And I'd say that the years in between were much needed years. I am 16 in 30 minutes. 16. The impossible age. The perfect age. Oh, 8-year-old Katie. How little you knew about the real world. I probably still know very little. But I know enough to be scared. It has been a scary 2 years. Who knew so much could happen in such a short amount of time? If there is another dimension, one where 8-year-old Katie is crying because she feels so ready to face the world and no one will let her, I hope that someone tells her to appreciate her innocence, and cherish it, because it is lost so easily, and so quickly, and it is so unexpected. Today I cried thinking about things like that. But I didn't just cry for the past, I cried for the future. These years are hard, they are so raw and harsh and the reality of life is suffocating and unavoidable. But I have reached 16, and I do have fun, and I do have my heart broken, and I laugh until I cry and sometimes I am in awe of how amazing my life is. And youth is gone so quickly. Just as I was unprepared for high school, for my true teenage years, I will be unprepared for it's end, for adulthood and it's endless responsibilities. I will always miss it. I want to remember everything. Every conversation, every friend, every incredible memory. Every person that is so important to me now that I might not know in 5 or 10 years. It won't be my reality anymore. It will be a memory, and a vague one at that. It won't be so important. But it's important to me now. I want to make a note to my 30 or 40 or 50 year old self right now:
Remember this. Remember how it feels. Remember every person who touched your 15-year-old life. Remember being moody and hormonal. Remember crying for no reason. Remember every single friend, every boyfriend, every kiss, every hug, every tear. Remember staying up until 11:38 PM on the eve of your 16th birthday to write a journal entry because your thoughts are moving so fast you can't stand it. Miss it. Want it. You'll never have it again. And I promise you that I will appreciate it, and make the most of it, if you promise me that you won't laugh at it and you'll hold everything important to me now close to your heart. I love my life. I love this time. I love discovering so much. That's why this is such an incredible age. I am making all of lifes mistakes, for the first time. I'm allowed to. It's okay. I'm just a kid. Note to my future children:
I want you to read all this someday. And the first time you utter the words my tongue is so familiar with..."You just don't understand...", we'll read this together. And I promise you...I PROMISE...I will understand better than my mother ever did. You won't have to be afraid, you know? I know what it's like. I do understand. I promise you I'll never forget. And if I start to...just remind me. Just say "Mom. Think about when you were my age. Think about your life back then." And I will, and I'll cry because I'll miss it, and all the people who affected me, and then we'll hug and I'll tell you stories about it that I probably shouldn't tell you.
Okay. It's time for bed. I'm scared...to go to sleep and wake up and be 16. I'm scared that it's here so soon, and that it will be gone so soon. I need to talk to someone but I wouldn't know what to say or where to begin. I don't know who will understand. Maybe every adult understands. Maybe none of them do. Maybe everyone forgets. I sure as hell won't I refuse to forget. I will never forget what this feels like. I think thats what I'm the most scared of...even more than aging...is forgetting. Because in the end, if you don't have your memories, what have you got? |
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| singing la la la la laa |
[May. 18th, 2006|02:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | janes addiction-pets | ] |
So I have a bit of a new addiction...no...fixation. I am currently fixated on this brilliant show called LOST. Maybe you've heard of it. Amy showed us a couple episodes in NC then me Jess came home and rented the whole first season. We're HOOKED.
So Tuesday night I spent at Jasmines house. We ate and talked and watched the Real World. I love it there<3
Wednesday morning was a proficiency day so we didn't have to be in till 10:30. We got ready and went out to breakfast with Jasmine and Michelle at the Sinnamon Shop. They had pancakes, I had french toast. Everything was great. It was also Day Of Silence day. I slipped up three times... "What part was--..." "Sure, thanks" and "Are you going to math? Walk me. Did we have any---..."
Yea not great but I tried. After school me and Nadia went to the mall and she picked out a GORGEOUS prom dress. Yellow. She also got jewelery and shoes and she's gonna look great. We went home and watched Requiem for a Dream and her dad drove me home. When I got home Jess called freaking out because she thought she'd missed LOST but she didn't, and we got so excited about it that she came over with DVD'S I hadn't seen. Ended up staying up till 1 in the morning, and I was almost late for school today.
Tonight I wanna see Jessie. Tomorrow...Battle of the Bands @ Cheney with Corrine? Saturday is my cousins graduation party, Saturday night I wanna see a movie with Nadia, and I sure hope Jenny isn't doing anything Sunday because I wanna devote that day to her.
:-) |
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| she's gone again |
[May. 14th, 2006|09:34 am] |
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| |  depressed | ] |
Crying now because Amy just left. We had to say goodbye here because dad doesn't have time to stop home after the airport. I hate it when she leaves. Distance is evil. Why do people who love each other have to live so far apart? Maybe it just makes me appreciate her more. But everything is better when she's here, and when she leave it is so...empty. I miss her already. It isn't right to see your sister so rarely. Sisters should always be together. Period. |
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| i'm yours, and suddenly you're mine |
[May. 3rd, 2006|06:49 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | aqualung- brighter than sunshine | ] |
So yesterday I went to Nadia's<3 after school. We watched TV and ate a bunch of food and took a little nap. Then dad called and said we were having taco's for dinner with Joan. And Nadia had mentioned that she wanted taco bell so I invited her over for dinner and then we decided that she should spend the night. So she came over and we watched Rock Star and ate taco's and apple pie and peanut butter and jelly crackers. Then we went to bed :-)
We both had late arrival this morning so Jess drove us to school. Nadia got a stomach ache from the nasty ass coffee she made with a billion spoons of sugar. She introduced me to Robbie (finally) who seems like a cool kid but I chickened out and didn't go "Rooooobieeee". Nadia wore my shirt and her boobs looked brilliant.
So then I had a normal school day and came home and pimped out my myspace. It's all yellow now, and it has a really pretty song by aqualung. Put up a new picture, too, because I don't want people to think I'm pretty. Is that weird, to put up a picture you know isn't the best? Maybe I'm weird.
Dad called and told me to pack, and to tell Jess to pack. We're leaving tomorrow, right after school. Before he hung up, he thanks me for 'being doobie'. And so I thanked him for being daddy.
I can't wait to leave.
I'm gonna call Jenny because we've got some talking to do. |
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| dance dance |
[Apr. 30th, 2006|11:32 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | calm | ] |
Dad's dance was last night. Him and everybody did a good job. Jessie and I thought we got lost along the way, but we actually didn't. We were determind to get there and call mom and tell her that we had no problems. We stopped and ate at a Roy Rogers. Boy, did we eat. The employees were probably making fun of us. But we were hungry. Then we went to the dance and avoided old men and watched dad and Joan. We saw Linda, she gave us big hugs and said she missed us so much. Said that Valerie and Kyle were growing like weeds. She gave me her email, and said we should go shopping and to lunch. I was happy to see her. After the dance, we followed dad home. We ate and tried to watch Tristan and Isolde. It was alright, but I was so tired and I fell asleeo. We slept in my room for most of the night. Before we started the movie, Jess called mom. She was really friendly to her, like nothing had happened at all. She said it was part of her plan to make everything seem like not a big deal, but it bothered me because mom was so out of line today, and it isn't right to be all sweet to her like nothing happened because then she will think she didn't do anything wrong.
Jenny is coming over today, and we're going to have a picnic. I started making muffins. I better check on them. More later. |
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| worst week ever? |
[Apr. 28th, 2006|04:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | rooney- i'm shakin | ] |
Almost. There are only two other weeks in my life that can compete with this one for that title. But I'm pretty sure this wins it. I don't even want to go into what's happened. That's for me to know, I guess. But this weekend will be better. I'm going to Mr. MHS with Jasmine tonight. Didn't get to go last year because Joan and I went to Mystic. God...was that a year ago? It seems like last week. She called me the other day, just to talk. It was nice to hear her voice. Her father isn't doing well, and I think she's hurting. I can hear it. I can see it.
Must go do laundry and wash these jeans and shower. Jasmine is picking me up around 6:30 or 7. She's a good driver. Almost got into an accident on Lynch Drive though :P But then again, so did my sister. And my dad. It's a dangerous street.
Went driving with Dad yesterday around the neighborhood by Shady Glen. I really am getting used to it. I think I'll be pretty good. I've been considering what to do for my birthday and a party at my pool is looking pretty nice. Not sure yet, though! |
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| daddysss |
[Mar. 22nd, 2006|04:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | foo fighters | ] |
Finally arrived at dad's house. We ate wraps. They were okay. I prefer mine with chicken. I feel so god damned empty for some reason. Something is missing.
On a lighter note, I just recieved some of the most honest, genuine advice of my life from Sophia. I miss her so much. It truly makes me feel better just to know that someone really understands, and that she made it through and is actually enjoying life. I hope I feel that someday. |
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| worst year ever |
[Mar. 14th, 2006|04:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | your moms vagina | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | elliott <3 smith- tomorrow tomorrow | ] |
Sophmore year will certainly go down in my personal history as the worst of my life, or, at least, of my adolesence. I can't imagine a year that would be more painful then one full of betrayl and loss, but if there is one in store for me, I do not wish to live to see it. Never have I been so wary of the people around me, so unsure if I can trust them. I prefer now to live inside a shell, keeping secret the things that don't need to be secret. Or, at least, things that shouldn't need to be secret. I find comfort in very few things now. I wonder if it would be easier to not have friends, rather than to have them and love them with everything you've got, only to discover they are incapable of such a love.
I have so much to do for school that it makes my head dizzy to think aboout. 3rd quarter is usually the time that I stray, and I don't want that to happen this year. I picked out next years courses today. They are:
US History AP
American Lit H
Chemistry CP
Pre Cal CP
Spanish 3 CP
Pottery
I wish I hadn't taken Italian this year. I should have taken French, it's what I really want to learn. Maybe someday I'll just spend a year in French, and then I'll learn all that I need to. It certainly was a wonderful place to be. I loved Paris. I miss Europe every day.
Anyway, I'll have to really brush up on my Spanish this summer...I forgot like everything. Ugh. Junior year is gonna be so hard. I'm nervous about that AP class, but hopefully I'll be with Jasmine and we'll sort of help eachother through it like we do in Bio.
Stayed after today with Anjee for a "Save Darfur" meeting with Miss Wohlgemuth. I really adore that woman, and I wish I knew more about the cause we're discussing, because everyone else seems so passionate and I want to feel that, too.
The boy in charge today, his name is Matt. He had one of those smiles where the person crinkles up their whole face, and you can't help but smile back because there is absolutely nothing dangerous or threatening about them. He radiates goodness, as Miss W said, and it makes me want to be his friend. He speaks softly, almost unsure of himself. The nervous type, but not pathetic nervous...cute nervous, like I wanna fold him up and keep him in my pocket nervous. I want to hold his hand and make him feel important, because people so kind should feel powerful, too. |
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| good day |
[Mar. 11th, 2006|04:28 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | vanessa paradis- when i say | ] |
Today was good...sweet. Jess and I went to use some gift certificates we had, and ended up shopping a bit for Mom, since her birthday is coming up. I got her this foot massager/pillow thingie, one of those 'turbie' things you put on your head when your hair is wet, and a lavender scented mask thing to wear to bed. We had lunch after at this sanwich place Joan took me once, called Atlanta Bread or something. Sandwiches there are lovely. Poked around the stores at Evergreen. The weather was so beautiful I thought I'd cry. I am so ready for spring, my body is aching for the breezes, the flower buds, picnics, sunlight in the morning so I don't open my shades to a gloomy winter day.
CAPT testing is over (phew). I think I did really well but you know, I was so ready for it to end. Now the classes seem so much longer. I'm happy that spring break is next month. There really isn't much left of this school year. Sophmore year has been the worst of my life, but it's put me in this unusual, beautiful place and I am very emotional now. Anything can make me cry...a familiar scent, an expression of love, a book. I took a hiatus (is that a word? did I use it right?) from the internet. I felt addicted, especially to stupid fucking myspace. Addiction is weak. Weak. And I am not a weak person. When I felt ready to approach the internet again, without feeling obligated to use it, I decided to create a new livejournal. One to start my good memories, like the memory of this lovely Saturday, the first little patch of spring we've had. Hopefully, this journal will be full of good memories like that.
The coffeehouse was last night, and I think it was successful. Not as big of a crowd as last year, but a lot of people went and we had some great acts. Everyone bought my sugar cookies (woot) which I burned myself making so they better have enjoyed them, bitches. We had some really good bands perform but it was hard to hear some of the vocals. I was working selling food most of the night, and got to eat for free. Started having cramps about halfway through...looks like it's time for my visit from Mother Flow. |
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| maybe i'm not ready to give it up |
[Feb. 2nd, 2006|03:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | strung out again- the love of my life, elliott | ] |
Fuck it, I'm not getting rid of this thing. It's seen too much. I'm just going to stop being lazy and start updating. However, the things that have been going on lately, they are too personal to update about. Let's just say I've had a very hellish month. The worst of my life, no doubt. I feel very detached. My sister has been such an angel...I'm so blessed to have a sister. The bond is uncontrollable when you share a life with someone. I don't think any relationship is quite like it. Also, I terribly miss Jenny, who's much like a third sister since we also grew up together. I was fortunate enough to spend New Year's with her and some funny funny boys. It was such a good night. I definitely cried during Pulp Fiction (best movie EVER) and the human pyramid was pure magic. To say that my 2006 has started off on a bad note would be the understatement on the year (literally). I can only pray for an improvement in the summertime. I want to run out of tears so bad. Maybe I have. I don't know. I just know that the people who truly, truly love me have supported me so much, it's the only reason I still get up in the morning.
When I asked my dad to take me off grounding, he, of course, called my mom to ask. He's a pussy like that sometimes, when it comes to parental shit. I do love him though. Jessie told me what the conversation was like (she was at moms end)
Basically:
"Kate wants to know if she can go somewhere tonight."
"Absolutely not."
"Okay, when will she be allowed to?"
"When she earns back my trust, Kenny!"
"Okay, well when will that be? Can I have a date?"
"I don't know!!!"
"Well, you know, she got all A's and B's on her report card."
"Umm...okay, but that has nothing to do with this!"
"Well, Okay. Bye."
It's good to know that my Daddy was sort of pushing for me.
I stayed home from school these past couple days, and left early today. It's been beyond a rough week, and I'm sick to boot. However, there was some excitement on Tuesday. I didn't want to be alone because it was a shity day, so my sister brought me to MCC with her. She told me to wait in the library while she went to class. I had to pee. When I came out of the bathroom this guy (with a heavy European accent...not even kidding) asked me where the cafeteria was. I pointed him in the right direction, and he asked me to join him for a drink. Long story short, they don't take credit cards so he drove me to Friendly's for lunch! He was so nice. He opened all the doors for me. I told him "Guy's don't do that much in America!" and he laughed and said "Well, I don't think you've been hanging around the right people, then!"
He gave me his number and email when he drove me back, but I don't think I'm gonna call. I mean he's like, 22 or something. But he was cute, and I got a free lunch. Haha.
Anyway the rest of the week was shity. I'm gonna go watch TV and vedge out or something. Did I spell vedge right? Is there even a right way to spell vedge? Jenny, I miss you. Call my cellular puh lease. |
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| goodbye, old friend. we had good times. |
[Jan. 25th, 2006|02:57 pm] |
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Sadly, this is the end of my livejournal. the last entry. I'm not going to delete it right away, but I'm not going to update any more. This journal has witnessed so much, and it's hard to say goodbye, but I feel the need for a fresh start. I've had this for more than a year, and now it's time to say goodbye. |
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| "Life", says Mama Deanie, "is a thinkin situation." |
[Dec. 28th, 2005|11:07 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | chipper | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | bright eyes | ] |
Mama Deanie left this morning. I'll miss her terrrrribly. Anyway heres how my Christmas vacation has gone so far:
Friday: Mama Deanie came! We brought her home and crashed in Jessie's room, I hate her bed it's sooo uncomfortable. But I was glad Mama Deanie was here.
Saturday: Basically we just chilled all day with MD, that night Joan wanted us to come over but we had to go to Ame's house for Xmas eve because every year we get together with them. She made a good dinner and gave us presents. Got to see Alex. Margaret and her attractive weird boyfriend were there. He was soo flirting with me, because he thought I was 18. He kept calling me 'hun' and 'sweetheart' and talking about astrology. I'm like 'Your middle aged and your girlfriend is right thurrrr' Except I didn't say that, I probably flirted back because I'm sick and twisted like that. Woke up Christmas morning, Mom made a huge breakfast and Mama Deanie and Dad came over. Got good stuff, FM transmitter for iPod, cell phone! (finally), bunch of other stuff, very grateful. Dad went to see Joany's family and me and mom and Jess and Mama Deanie went to see the Producers. It wasn't very good, so we walked out. That night Mama Deanie decided to stay the night at moms and I felt sort of bad that Dad was by himself, but he didn't seem to mind too much. He picked us up the next day and we sat around the house. Jessie went to work. We watched Chicago. She came home and we tried to get Mama Deanie to talk with a northern accent, which for some reason she interpretted as talking really fast
"IM FROM CON-E-TI-CUT!!! MY GRAN-DAUGHT-ER IS KAY-TEE!!!"
"Mama Deanie, they'll think you're special ed!!!!"
OH gaaawd that made me laugh.
Yesterday we took a walk through the woods in back of the house. It was nice, I should take more walks. That night we went out to dinner with Joan, then back to her house to exchange presents. Kathleen wasn't feeling good. Mama Deanie flirted with the waiter...she flirts with allll the waiters.
"I am gonna shut up for good now!" ten seconds later..."...mama always told me I needed to shut my mouth"
She is hilaaar.
Today, we had to say goodbye :(
I miss her already...
I love my new cell phone though. Tonight I'm hoping to go to the mall with Jessie. Dad and Joan are spending the night in New York.
Update more tomorrow. |
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| xmas almost heeeere |
[Dec. 22nd, 2005|05:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  awake | ] |
Mama Deanies coming tomorrow!!
Went to Britt's breifly today, she gave me my Xmas present...sooo gorgeous. A shirt, necklace, and gloves from H+M. So beautiful, I love them, and I loved being there. She walked me home and I gave her her gifts, she seemed to like them. It was a close call because I'm grounded and Joan had called earlier when I wasn't home, but I'm not in trouble. She wanted me to have dinner with her brother, but she couldn't beat rush hour traffic so we canceled. She wants us to come over Christmas DAY to meet her family...I would feel bad, like I was abandoning mom. I feel like Joan didn't even really ask if I wanted to...she's definitely making herself a permanent part of our family. I don't know how I feel about it all, but whatever.
I got a nosebleed the other day. I was throwing away a clementine peel, and I banged my head against the wall hard. It hurt. My nose began to bleed, a lot. At first I was scared, but then I was comforted. The blood was warm, and the most gorgeous, vibrant shade of red. I enjoyed the bleed, and can't wait for the next one. Can't wait for the vacation! Or for Mama Deanie. I love Christmas. I've been reading a lot lately. just finished this book 'when we were saints' and started 'jude'. Good books. Put lights up in my room, it looks gorgeous. I hope we go grocery shopping tonight, no food in the house.
<3 |
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| groundeddd |
[Dec. 18th, 2005|02:45 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | sophie making chocolate | ] |
Wow, it's been so long since I've updated...tons has happened, not really much time to describe it all but basically I'm grounded, probably for a long time.
My week has consisted of:
Saturday- Xmas shopping with dad and Joan. Came home late, chaos, grounding.
Sunday- Stayed in bed. Didn't eat.
Monday- Same deal. Skipped school.
Tuesday- Things a little better, mom being nice to me.
Wednesday- Boring
Thursday- Boring
Friday- TGIF, and finished my Xmas shopping with Jessie.
Today, Sophia came to visit us.
We're having fun... Since I don't have much access to internet, I'll write down daily happenings in a regula journal and put it all in one big fat entry when I have time too, because this journal means a lot to me. I want my kids to be able to see it and be like "whoa, mommy had a life before me!"
Anyway Sophie's making hot chocolate.
Much love...I miss everyone :( |
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